learning to trust a snake

I was at a beautiful seaside village with lovely buildings and trees overlooking the bay (Bournemouth/Pool Harbour). There was a climbing rope strung between the trees facing the bay. Although, it wasn't rope, it was thick garden hose which reminded me of a snake and of a game I used to play with myself as a kid, where I'd imagine the hose was a snake and get scared and have to run away from it. I decided to follow this climbing path through the trees and was making amazingly good progress swinging from one tree to the next until I got to a tree out the front of my hotel and the hose became thinner and broke. I decided to climb out on a limb of the tree to try to make it to the next tree but the limb became too thin and broke. When the tree branch hit the ground, an angry snake jumped out of it and straight towards me seeming to just miss intentionally. I was terrified and ran away.

That night when I came home, I somehow became aware that the branch that fell down was actually a snake nest. The aggressive snake that jumped at me was trying to protect a whole nest full of it's babies along with it's stash of half dead mice and rats. The hotel owner showed me by poking it and making lots of little black snakes slither out.

When I got to my room, there was an enormous purple snake waiting for me. He argued that I should allow hims to stay in my room since he'd keep it free of mice, rats and other snakes. This seemed somewhat attractive since there was a lot of snakes outside. How could I trust him not to bite me? The next morning, I decided I couldn't trust him so I put him in a box in the fridge. When I came home that night he was very sleepy so I put the box on the heater to warm him up. While he was mad about it, he still wanted to strike a deal. I just couldn't trust him so I threw him in the big bin outside. Of course he had returned when I got home from work the next night. He had been out all day, taking photo's of my friends and family and was now telling me that if I didn't let him stay he'd kill them. I didn't know how he had been stalking them or how he'd been using a camera but it was scary so I let him stay.

Money Worries Dream

I woke up this morning from a dream that I was travelling somewhere in Australia, it seemed like somewhere along the river murray.  I was with friends but me and a few others were separated from the main group.  We planned to meet up on a big houseboat hostel at the end of the day.  We were driving a combi van with my beautiful bike that feels like flying to ride attached to the back. We took a wrong turn and the driver cried 'oh god' as the van hurtled down an increasingly steep hill. The brakes gave way and we couldn't turn off before launching off the end of the road and into the river.  The van sank along with my bike.  The only thing I could salvage was my Birkenstocks -which I hate now (so 5 years ago!) because they make me walk like a duck.  As I lamented the loss of my bike, my friends said 'You'll get a better one on travel insurance' and I realised I should have got some.

Things I wish I knew more about

Development politics

particularly South America but also USSR/Russia and Africa.  I'm nearly finished reading 'The Shock Doctrine' by Naomi Klein. I found the first few parts about the history of economic shock therapy absolutely amazing.  Now with the re-election and possible 2/3rds majority in South Africa (enabling constitutional change) it will be really interesting to see how a Communist ideology is implemented (if it is at all) given or despite the corruption.

Enlightenment philosophy

How is it, that after maybe 7 years since first having whet my appetite philosophy, I still don't know much about it?

Jewish Mysticism? 

I'm not sure about this really.  more a curiosity to find parallels with western philosophy and cross ref philosophies with times -the Jew's did seem to be a bit after Hammurabi I think so I'm not sure if I believe they came up with everything before western philosophy did.  Although I must say it is really useful to have Rabbi's on hand to talk to about this. Rabbi T is amazing -over the past few years, I've built this brilliant relationship with him based on our mutual interest in science and consciousness theory (or has he built the relationship with me based on my interest in it?) in any case, he's got a good feeling for where I stand on all this and we've had some really interesting chats.  

After teaching Free Will and Determinism in Psychology to my year 13's this past term and having had some amazing chats with the boys about the Jewish position on it all it's amazing that it's not so different from my own.  I've also had the chance to reconsider my Atheism (or at least the name of my Atheism) since I've always believed in some degree of scientific determinism. I think that sub atomic randomness is just an appearance caused by our inability to see or measure. Anyway, that kind of belief in determinism leads to the idea that everything is connected. Rabbi T says that that connectedness is God. I figure if you want to call that God then fine but I won't agree that it's intelligent.  I might say the universe brought me something but it wasn't thinking about it and it certainly didn't mean to. Everything might be connected but that connectedness is not intentional -that's our sort of personification of the universe. So maybeI'm  Pantheistic but never agnostic.

Lastly...

Literature

The problem here, is that I fell like I need to do a course. It isn't enough just to read the books. There's always so much more meaning in there than I usually pick out on my own.  I don't even know where to begin.

Happiness

I'm suffering under such extreme PSM today that I'm convinced I'm not happy, I've never been happy and I never will be.  I'm just not very good at being content.  Writing this makes me worry somehow that it will be truer.  I live in fantasy land. The tall blonde gorgeous man fantasy. The American man fantasy.  The travel fantasy. I need to start enjoying my life now! I need to stop worrying about keeping up with the Jonses and start just doing what makes me happy.  I don't even know what that is though.  I can't commit to even liking anything since it might 'say something about' me.  Is that even true? I'm not sure if I actually think that.  Can I not commit to anything? sure I can't comit to any paintings or other decor in my room but that's cause I don't want to feel settled here. I want to move home SOON.  Most people bug me or I find dull or I figure are too cool to be interested in me. aarrgh. I've eaten my whole week's supply of weight watchers chocolate bars and my next meeting (yes it is like AA) is not for another 5 days.  I'd better get my period tomorrow or things are going to be difficult.

The Housewife Fantasy

I'm presently consumed by what I'm going to call the housewife fantasy.

 

What fun to get to spend the day with my beautiful imaginary infant, teaching it and watching it develop while I bake innumerable goodies which await my imaginary husband's return from work when we'd play with the baby for a while, put him to bed and have wild sex in the kitchen!  We'd have a lovely clean house and everything would be perfectly taken care of.  I'd find the role of wife and mother so relaxing compared to the stresses of working life.  I’d have time for all my hobbies, sewing and gardening and reading.  At weekends, we’d entertain friends from ‘playgroup’ and discuss our children’s development.

 

Blah.  I can’t hold that thought any longer it’s beginning to make me sick.  So I’m broody.  Really broody but the idea of (eugh) entertaining play dates just for their own sake? Damn.  I’d need my own life and my own friends that I liked just for my own fun.  And sure I’m insanely jealous of my friends with kids but there is a part of me that wonders – aren’t you horribly bored of spending all your time with someone who can’t even talk?